Having so few needs = more difficult to live with???

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Having so few needs = more difficult to live with???

Post by Khys on Sat Jun 23, 2012 2:57 pm

So, as most of you know, I'm married to an ENFJ 6w7.

He is not a needy person, but he does have needs that are pretty set. Sometimes they infringe on me a little bit, because he's a 6 and a XXXJ and they tend to need a very secure environment.....much more so than I do. His worries: Health, getting old, financial stability, running out of time to get things done, accomplishing his life goals, having a contingency plan in case things go wrong, etc. He needs to me care about these things. Most of them, i sort of care about, but i"m not passionate about. I mean...i care if I'm healthy...but i don't worry about micronutrients, carcinogens, and antioxidants. I'm more concerned with "don't get fat, drink enough water, exercise." And I care about financial stability, but I don't think of every minute of the day as "money" that i'm "spending." I care if I achieve life goals, but I don't think "HURRY QUICK, ACCOMPLISH THEM BEFORE I'M DEPRESSED AND HAVE A MIDLIFE CRISIS"

I have very few needs. They hardly infringe on anybody. My needs: enjoy day to day life, have basic survival needs met, not have too much stress.

I'm wondering if the fact that I have so few needs actually makes me harder to live with. Because I try NOT to infringe on others, I have the expectation that others are doing the same, and I'm often not very aware that I'm not meeting other people's needs. And because I hate infringing, it's hard for me to be okay with other people infringing on me. but like, for my husband, he doesn't even think of it as "infringing." He thinks it's "love" to care about each other. I wonder if I had more needs, if I would feel that way too.....because tehre would be a more balanced expectation between us.


Thoughts?
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Re: Having so few needs = more difficult to live with???

Post by MXZCCT on Sat Jun 23, 2012 3:19 pm

This was one of the reasons my past relationship did not work out. I had barely any needs, and well...she had quite a few. She is an ENFJ type 1w2. A perfectionist. It was a very tedious relationship at times. We couldn't work it out.

I think when we have very simple needs we tend to be very indifferent and/or completely ignore others expectations of us. So in a way we are a "let down" when we aren't in the mood to compromise.


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Re: Having so few needs = more difficult to live with???

Post by Kayness on Sat Jun 23, 2012 3:23 pm

hhmm, yes that's very sixish.

For me, as long as there's enough food, not being so hard up for money and enough security, as in, I'm not in any immediate or foreseeable danger, I don't tend to think about those things.

Those sixes make me feel so complacent sometimes.

But yes I do worry about not getting anywhere in life in terms of my career, but I guess I don't lose sleep over it.


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Re: Having so few needs = more difficult to live with???

Post by Khys on Sat Jun 23, 2012 3:34 pm

I remember a really defining discussion we had about a year after we were married.

We were talking about meeting each others needs and some conflict that was going on between us. When we reached a conclusion my husband was like "Ok I will really try to listen to your needs and meet them" and I was like "....Well....to be honest....I'm still trying to remember you even HAVE needs...."


oh the early days....when i had no Fe....
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Re: Having so few needs = more difficult to live with???

Post by Stephen on Sat Jun 23, 2012 5:50 pm

This sounds so familiar. I read something not long ago that claimed a study had found that people in a relationship who are able to provide for their partner more will feel more invested in the relationship and more attached. I've been trying to find it on Google, with no luck so far.


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Re: Having so few needs = more difficult to live with???

Post by madhatter on Sat Jun 23, 2012 7:03 pm

I think that my having very few needs is one of the reasons that I've never even attempted to have a relationship.


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Re: Having so few needs = more difficult to live with???

Post by DJ Arendee on Sat Jun 23, 2012 7:22 pm

That's wierd. I don't need much either. I think that's good though. It means you're not needy, and any relationship you eventually do get into will be completely healthy and not a desperation attempt to find a spouse simply so you can feel good about yourself.
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Re: Having so few needs = more difficult to live with???

Post by Kayness on Sat Jun 23, 2012 7:48 pm

I think a lot of people like to be needed. When they feel needed, they feel valued.

Like to be needed is OK, NEED to be needed, on the other hand...
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Re: Having so few needs = more difficult to live with???

Post by Stephen on Sat Jun 23, 2012 8:00 pm

DJ Arendee wrote:That's wierd. I don't need much either. I think that's good though. It means you're not needy, and any relationship you eventually do get into will be completely healthy and not a desperation attempt to find a spouse simply so you can feel good about yourself.

But a healthy relationship runs on interdependence, at a reasonable level. It shows investment in the other person. The knee-jerk reaction is to resist "I need you," but think about it. If you don't need someone... what are they there for? They're replaceable and irrelevant as an individual.


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Re: Having so few needs = more difficult to live with???

Post by DJ Arendee on Sat Jun 23, 2012 8:18 pm

Well I do need someone. One of my recent best lady friends is an ISFJ and can calm me down immediately. I've never meet anyone who can do it like she can. She just gets really concerned and matches her tone to mine and I'll get emotional for a second then it all just... vanishes. She says we're just friends but I'm pretty sure she's just waiting until I get rich to consider me suitable dating material.

So yes I do need someone. But its bad when you need someone for the wrong reasons, like how my ex promised me sexual favors in return for a roof over her head and food etc. She didn't explicitly say that was her intention but, it was.
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Re: Having so few needs = more difficult to live with???

Post by Khys on Sat Jun 23, 2012 8:24 pm

that's because she doesn't see any other worth in herself. ol'marzi is a little krrrrazy.



sometimes i think the best partners are COMPLEMENTS rather than SUPPLEMENTS.


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Re: Having so few needs = more difficult to live with???

Post by Erbse on Sat Jun 23, 2012 10:12 pm

Well, although drunk, yet again, I think I'm not quite as busted as last night.

Useless information aside however, it depends entirely on perspective.

In fact I'm totally on your side, which is why I sort of loathe relationships - I'm not a tool used to make someone else 'feel good' or to meet anyone's need. Take/Enjoy me for who/what I am or gtfo.

Granted, that approach is too late for you to take, given that you're maried.

Anyway, to conclude that if you were to behave like everyone else would fix anything is just plainly dumb, for a lack of a better word. Yes, with Fe'ing you could perhaps be able to somewhat see and understand that angle, but it's not in an inferior Fe's nature to behave like that.

Well, might as well do give him shit for stupid things all day long for a week just to get a taste of how horrid it is. Not exactly the nice way, though - and none I recommend in a marriage.

His needs, in my eyes, are silly. Worrying about that stuff at best prevents you from enjoying life due to worrying needlessly. Most of us probably been through that phase during their 'WTF Years' and simply learned from the experienced that nothing really matter inevitably, as random factor will always be just that, random.
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Re: Having so few needs = more difficult to live with???

Post by DJ Arendee on Sat Jun 23, 2012 10:44 pm

I like how eliza whatever the fuck came in and said something and we all just moaned and she was never heard from again.
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Re: Having so few needs = more difficult to live with???

Post by madhatter on Sat Jun 23, 2012 11:05 pm

DJ Arendee wrote:I like how eliza whatever the fuck came in and said something and we all just moaned and she was never heard from again.

She deleted what she said before I saw her post. What did she say?
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Re: Having so few needs = more difficult to live with???

Post by DJ Arendee on Sat Jun 23, 2012 11:07 pm

Don't remember. But her avatar was enough to make me gag.
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Re: Having so few needs = more difficult to live with???

Post by Duck_of_Death on Sun Jun 24, 2012 12:02 am

madhatter wrote:
DJ Arendee wrote:I like how eliza whatever the fuck came in and said something and we all just moaned and she was never heard from again.

She deleted what she said before I saw her post. What did she say?

She explained her background as an ENFP and her ongoing relationship with an ISTP.
We've heard it all before--no reason to go into details.


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Re: Having so few needs = more difficult to live with???

Post by madhatter on Sun Jun 24, 2012 12:08 am

Duck_of_Death wrote:
She explained her background as an ENFP and her ongoing relationship with an ISTP.
We've heard it all before--no reason to go into details.

Oh never mind then. Say no more.
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Re: Having so few needs = more difficult to live with???

Post by Trifoilum on Sun Jun 24, 2012 12:22 pm

What's wrong with an ENFP with an ISTP? Do share. Very Happy


as far as the topic goes...
I think you're quite on the right track here...

Having simple wishes in life is good. I'm going to say that first to not give any weird vibes.
But good things =/= they don't have problems, no?

From what I've observed, the problems in having few, simple needs in life:
a) A higher chance to have lower empathy. When all we need is just a place to sleep and live, some food to eat, someone to hug..... our understanding of people who wants, seeks, and/or demands specifically Cuban beach villas, Sauteed foie gras with caramelized truffle and cranberry sauce, and someone [insert a long list of 'my soulmate criteria'] can be pretty limited. Even if we can understand them, there tend to be times where a thought passed like, "why do you bother so much with that? (I mean, I can live with far simpler things without having much hassle. Why wouldn't you?)"

And that's only a more detailed version of one's simple wish. What about with those who want entirely different things?
food, paying the bills, place to sleep
vs
spiritual enlightenment, gender equality, and seeing Da Vinci
vs
Being a Pokemon Master, winning Wimbledon, getting a Ph.D in Asian Studies..?
vs
sex, sex, sex

it gets quite...complex. Misunderstanding can (and will) happen. When one party considered the other uncaring and vice versa..

b) Sometimes, 'simple' needs can mean other things. So much other things.
I am an INFJ 6w5. If I were to say what my wish is, the first thing to come across my mind would be 'peace of mind', and maybe 'freedom', and maybe 'understanding'.
But all those three includes specifics. Lots and lots of personal definitions and explanations that might not fit other people's definitions. Thus potentially clashing, when people a) want you to help, or b) are listening to our advice and rejecting it, or c) are offering us (unsolicited?) advices based on what they thought/experienced/feel.

Another example is my dad; an ESTJ 6w7, apparently. His wish as far as me and my siblings are concerned are simple; 'for you to be able to live on your own'. BUT the specifics are pretty detailed (and invisible, during the early times.) No no, you cannot pick this and that, they aren't profitable! No no, you should do this instead, because this works and I know it! No no, you cannot act like that because bla bla bla bla bla.

SO yeah, confusing. Neutral
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Re: Having so few needs = more difficult to live with???

Post by Erbse on Sun Jun 24, 2012 1:32 pm

StephenJM wrote:
DJ Arendee wrote:That's wierd. I don't need much either. I think that's good though. It means you're not needy, and any relationship you eventually do get into will be completely healthy and not a desperation attempt to find a spouse simply so you can feel good about yourself.

But a healthy relationship runs on interdependence, at a reasonable level. It shows investment in the other person. The knee-jerk reaction is to resist "I need you," but think about it. If you don't need someone... what are they there for? They're replaceable and irrelevant as an individual.

That is an interesting synopsis and worth pondering - but inevitably, as everything else, it may be just going back to one individual's philosophy.

Anyway, just because you don't need someone, you can still want him. Want to spend your time with that person. You don't need to, you choose to. Of course it may be fleeting as it's a different attachment style than the dysfunctional co-dependency that's widely practised and probably accepted as the norm in today's society. Different != Bad/Worse though, but just that, different.

Someone you actively want to spend your time with isn't as easily replaceable as you make it sound, in fact, dependent on your reasons for wanting to hang around the person may be equally irreplaceable than if it was a person you needed.
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Re: Having so few needs = more difficult to live with???

Post by DJ Arendee on Sun Jun 24, 2012 2:20 pm

Trifoilum wrote:What's wrong with an ENFP with an ISTP? Do share. Very Happy

Nothing really, its just that they used to come into the ISTP forum on personality cafe preaching how it was written in the stars. They were constantly asking for advice on their miserable relationships which in our opinion, shouldn't have started in the first place. Either that or the ISTP does something that the ENFP doesn't understand and the ENFP gets anxious and starts plotting suicide while the ISTP is off drinking beer and playing halo.
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Re: Having so few needs = more difficult to live with???

Post by Stephen on Sun Jun 24, 2012 3:23 pm

Erbse wrote:That is an interesting synopsis and worth pondering - but inevitably, as everything else, it may be just going back to one individual's philosophy.

Anyway, just because you don't need someone, you can still want him. Want to spend your time with that person. You don't need to, you choose to. Of course it may be fleeting as it's a different attachment style than the dysfunctional co-dependency that's widely practised and probably accepted as the norm in today's society. Different != Bad/Worse though, but just that, different.

Someone you actively want to spend your time with isn't as easily replaceable as you make it sound, in fact, dependent on your reasons for wanting to hang around the person may be equally irreplaceable than if it was a person you needed.

That's fair, but if they're irreplaceable, aren't they needed? Maybe not. I suppose it just means that if they were gone, nobody could take their place... maybe it comes down to how important that role is to you as an individual.


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Re: Having so few needs = more difficult to live with???

Post by ohtochooseaname on Fri Jun 29, 2012 3:35 pm

I am having some very similar problems with my wife, where we basically run into the problem of I don't need much emotionally except some time to myself and the ability to pursue things I enjoy. She seems to be unable to see that something she can do to love me in our relationship is to give me the time I need to myself. So, she feels insecure and wonders why I'm still around, and no matter how much I try to explain the other reasons I love her and want her around, she can't understand. It's that whole issue of being needed and therefore feeling replaceable because she's not. It isn't about needs being met, it's about life being enjoyed together.

I don't really buy the whole need-based replaceability thing: even if you place your needs on someone specific in your life, you can always choose to place those needs on someone else. The whole concept of needing someone specific is so foreign to me that it is hard to put my head around it. To me, someone isn't replaceable because I have spent the last X years developing a relationship (friendship, romantic, work, etc.) with them, and giving all that up and starting over is just a huge waste of effort and energy.
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